This Saturday I went to New Hope to visit my friend Peej. He wanted me to come over to celebrate “Santa Saturday” with him. To those who are not in the know, Santa Saturday is an event that is over 30 years old in which the leather community and bears come out in force to have a good time (meaning: drink, dance, etc.) and raise money for local New Hope charities. Since this is a big event, most of the attendees wear leather chaps, motorcycle gear, S&M ‘costumes’ and lots of denim. I decided not to wear anything like that. I wore a hoodie, some cargo pants, a polo shirt, and my trusty Keen shoes. Definitely not ‘bear’ attire.
So I met Peej and we walked over to the Raven where the event was being held. As we got closer to the bar, I began to notice the locals arriving. What I saw didn’t surprise me as much as seeing grown men dressed from head to toe in leather. However, I will go on record to say that most of the men there should have known better to wear ass-less chaps. I mean, the men who were wearing them were at least over 40 years-- I’m being generous here with the last statement. I mean, did they look in the mirror before they left the house? Didn’t they have a trustworthy friend to tell them that ass-less chaps are passé and one should not wear them in public? Or better yet, that ass-less chaps shouldn’t been worn by grown men past the age of 35. (Not unless you are an exotic dancer and even then, there are limits.) I guess not.
As the afternoon progressed we met people who were not your typical bears. We hung out with a couple who I will call Jim and ‘Captain’. They are from New York and Peej was making fun of them because as Peej said when they talked they ‘dropped their “Rs.”’ Jim and Captain have a very interesting relationship. They have been together for six years, but Captain is still married to his wife. Huh? Apparently, Captain and his wife haven’t had sex in over six years and she hasn’t approached him about it. Captain doesn’t really have the nerve to leave his wife because they have three kids and she doesn’t work. As I was told this, I was thinking that must be the life. To live in complete denial about your husband’s sexuality but to benefit from his hard work, have a house and some kids. She’s just a simple girl with a dream I suppose. For some reason, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for those people. I can’t imagine that story having a happy ending.
We had drinks and made fun of some of the men who obviously didn’t exercise proper judgment that day. As the afternoon turned into evening, I met someone who looked uncannily like my ‘Ex.’ He even had the same first name of my ‘Ex.’ I’m sure that fate must have been playing a nasty joke on me that afternoon.. We made small talk for a while and he told me that he was there without his significant other. (As was I.) He mentioned that he was a little miffed that his significant other was always pawing him on his chest when he was in public. Yeah, I know, weird. Then he told me that he wanted to sleep with my friend Peej. I smirked and turned to my friend Peej (who at this time was sucking the air out of some guy’s lungs) and said to the red-head who looked like my ex, “Go for it.” But he didn’t have the nerve to approach Peej and solicit his services; and I certainly wasn’t going to be his pimp. He then went to the bathroom, and that was the last I saw of him. I still think it was my ex, though.
The real fun began when Peej, Jim, the Captain, and I went to an after party in Lambertville. I was starving at the time and was thinking that if there wasn’t food there, I was going to bolt. As we were driving to this party, Peej casually mentioned to me that this was a ‘clothing optional’ party. I looked at him and said, “What? Are we going to have to leave our keys at the party in a bowl and whoever picks them we go home with? Clothing optional parties went out of style when people realized that they didn’t have to wear polyester clothing anymore.” Peej, said not to worry and we would only stay for a while.
When we arrived at the party, I noticed that there were twenty pairs of shoes at the front door. I looked at Peej and then one of the guests said, “You have take your shoes off; the owner doesn’t want people bringing in rocks on their shoes.” I looked at Peej and said, “Absolutely not.” Especially since I paid a pretty penny for them and I didn’t want some drunken queen walking off with them. So we went in with our shoes on and proceeded to get some spirits and food. I took a look around a saw that they owners had laid out some serious cash on his flat. It was very modern, and wasn’t cluttered. Very nice. I wish I could say the same thing about the guests. As I turned to my right, there was a guy standing next to the fireplace wearing nothing else on but a jock strap. UGH. I said to Peej, “So this is clothing optional, huh?” He just smiled at me and continued to eat. Things went from bad to worse when I noticed a man standing in a crowd next to the very tasty nachos wearing a hoodie, boots, and nothing else. There he was just hanging out, with his ‘manhood’ (I am using that term loosely). I told Peej that I wouldn’t be making a second trip back to the nachos. What was even more disturbing, no one seemed to care that he was there sans pants--clothing optional indeed. Maybe he was the entertainment for the evening? I don’t know.
I told Peej that I had to call home to let M know that I wouldn’t be coming home until Sunday. I went out to the deck to make my call. To my surprise, there were three men; one standing and two kneeling. I took a second look and yup, the guy who was standing was getting ‘serviced.’ I turned to them and said, “Don’t mind me guys, I have to make a phone call.” They kept on going at it as if I wasn’t there. I guess what happens in Lambertville, stays in Lambertville. I went back in to find my posse and was told that the room downstairs was getting ‘busy.’ I asked Peej what was going on and he told me that there was a circle jerk happening in the room. Huh? Didn’t those kinds of activities become passé in 1990? Circle jerks? What were these people thinking? I guess they weren’t. The crowning moment happened when Jim said that he came from the bathroom and saw two men having sex with the door open. I said to Jim, “Are they charging a fee for admission?” It was then we decided to leave the house of Sodom and Gomorrah. I had my fill of Vodka Valley and wanted to go back to Peej’s house to get some sleep. I also didn’t want to stay to see if there were any more ‘coming attractions.’
We pile into the car and went back to the Raven for one last drink. By then it was slim pickings left at the bar. Desperate faces with the hopes that someone would take them home; it was very depressing. I turned to Peej and told him it was 12:00. He said that it was time to take the walk back home. We got home and I told Peej that I was hungry and he said, “Didn’t you get enough to eat at the party?” I said to him, “No. Especially since seeing naked men near food is a real turn-off for me.” So we drove to the diner and had a decent meal.
I arrived home this morning exhausted and feeling a little dirty. I told M that this may be the last Santa Saturday I go to. He just looked at me knowing that what I said wasn’t true. Maybe he was right; I mean where else are you going to see men past their prime wearing ass-less chaps and making a fool of themselves in the process? Yup, only during Santa Saturday.
