I have always reacted oddly to the finger. It is just a finger, the joke of countless movies where old people flip it to the delight of the audience. I rarely give it. While driving, I find shouting curses loudly, spitting, and generally waving my arms seems to piss people off enough. plus, there's always the effective 'lay on the horn while following the asshole who cut you off' move. I ran out of gas one night, but that fucker wouldn't forget to use his blinker again.
In Britain they use 2 fingers. This signaled, back in the day (the 70s, I think) that their archers still had fingers with which to kill Frenchmen. See, the punishment for captured archers was to cut off their fingers so they were essentially useless. Like a cat with two legs. Or like cafeteria workers. So, holding up two fingers -- not like the hippy peace sign, but with the two fingers closer together and the knuckles facing out -- is really a way of saying 'fuck you, I have all my important fingers.'
But what does one finger mean? Perhaps back during the Revolution people would do entertaining shadow-puppets while waiting for the British to show up? And in an effort to cut down on shenanigans they removed the versatile middle-finger? The always reliable and accurate Wikipedia says that early references to the finger refer to farmers checking hens for eggs. Or guarding against witchcraft. I would think that the hens would guard against the witchcraft of having a finger up their chicken-snatches. But I digress...
Growing up I knew a kid that loved giving the finger. He was an undersized, half-Cuban kid named Albert. When he hit puberty but didn't grow much he started taking prescribed steroids. He never got much bigger. As a result, he was a complete dickhead to all of his friends. And we were all complete assholes for putting up with him. One day he told me that his dad was an alien, which was true as his father had fled Cuba. This didn't impress or bother me. He went on to tell me that when my family had moved into the neighborhood, my friend's mother wanted to bring us cake to welcome us to the neighborhood. Albert's father screamed at her, calling her stupid, saying we could be axe-murderers. This DID bother me, as I really like cake. Really I think he just didn't trust whitey.
I'm not even sure why were friends. Albert constantly said I was fat and stupid. He also had an annoying habit of punching me when I least deserved or expected it. Despite this, we did have one day, out of many, that I think of with a wry smile. After listening to Appetite for Destruction (twice) to hear the line "I see you standin' there / you think you're so cool. / well why don't you just / FUCK OFF!" we decided to do a radio show where he pretended to be Axl and I pretended to be Slash. His interview consisted of him describing the inspiration behind the album artwork, which includes the bizarre robot rape image. Albert had a prime interest in discussing the woman’s panties. As Slash, I talked in a barely coherent mumble about drinking and playing guitar, resulting in some weird guitar sounds I made in a Slash voice before falling asleep. I think it was the only time that I ever, legitimately, made him laugh.
Still, Albert found it amusing when I used dirty words like 'dickhead' – words I only used around him to stay in his good graces. "What do you call breasts?" "I don't know – boobs?" "You're a boob!" And he'd punch me on the back of the head. "Tits! Call them tits!" I remember reading a Dean R. Kootnz book in high school with two characters similar to Albert and myself (or an amalgamation of the four people Albert bullied constantly). in the end, the Albert character was killed after trying to rape some housewife. I think. Or maybe it was a Russian spy plot, as so many Koontz books are. In any case, I learned a host of dirty words that I felt ashamed of using.
But Albert made people feel particularly ashamed of themselves just for spending time with him. Usually, all he did was make fun of the friends that weren’t there on a particular day. And when that material dried up, he’d make fun of the people who were there. One of his other favorite activities was called "Court’s in Session." His backyard was really big and had lots of trees and bushes that we used as forts and bases. One area was enclosed and had a fallen tree stump that a few of us could sit on. It was a hidden space, or as hidden as you could get in someone’s backyard. Albert would take one of those big, pink Wiffle Ball bats that people who have no hand-eye coordination (like me) use and whap it against a thick tree trunk yelling "Court's! In! Session!" with each whap. Then he proceeded to make fun of everyone's mothers and fathers. Brian's mother Angela was represented with a high-pitched, whiny voice. As Angela, Albert would chastise Brian using some of her catch phrases like "Honesty's the best policy, Brian!" Albert usually just mocked his mother, but also liked to point out the fact that Brian's younger sister had some kind of skin disorder that meant she couldn't take baths. Brian could muster up weak, "Shut up, Albie"s, but otherwise did nothing.
None of us did anything because we were all, equally, targets for his mocking. Which made no sense, since we all could have beaten the shit out of him, but were afraid of what he might do in return. His unpredictability was his only strength, much like Tony Montana or Santa Claus. For instance, and this is the most disturbing thing I recall about Albie, one impression he did during the "Court’s In Session" game involved him pulling down his pants, twirling around, and spreading his ass cheeks. I'm 100%, completely fucking serious. This could have been a creative way of calling us all assholes. Or he may have just been completely bonkers But he did this on multiple occasions as a weird impression of this guy matt that none of us really hung out with. Had we been a little older, he probably would have been accused of being a fucking pervert. But instead it usually was the moment that people had to go home and take a Crying Game shower.
So anyway, Albert loved giving people the finger. Particularly his mother. "What do you want for lunch?" Finger. "Did you finish cutting the lawn?" Finger. "Are you giving me the finger?" Finger. Of course, being the pathetic bastard he was, he never gave her the finger to her face. Albert liked to look at other people when he flipped off his enemies. He liked to see our shocked reactions – our moments of thinking, "Wow, this guy has balls!" this is why he got caught a lot. Once he gave the finger to the neighborhood assface, Adam, while his back was turned. Adam’s claim to fame was being the girl-crazy, jock/bad-boy. He also could spit up in the air and bicycle out of the way of his loogee before getting hit in the face. So, one day Albie gives Adam the finger and Adam turns around and sees him and proceeds to beat the crap out of his face (where most of his crap resided). There was blood and bruising and five of us casually stood around considering the quality of the beating. “Nice kick, Adam.” “Quality beating, I must say,” we nodded. At one point, Adam had Albert pinned to the ground saying something about fucking something or other and Albert spit in Adam's face. That took balls. Of course, Adam then proceeded to knee him in the balls, so it was nice that he used them for something before they were mashed.
One time Albert gave his mom the finger and she turned around and caught him. His mother, though, didn't kick him in the balls. She looked disappointedly at me. Me. Cuz I was standing there and didn't say anything. She knew her son was a douchebag, but I shouldn't have kept quiet. I should be the one to keep her son in line. To bully him into acting like a respectful son. Sadly, I did not know this was my duty seeing as he had a father like everyone else in town and seeing that he managed to punch, tackle, poke, spit at, and otherwise confound me on a daily – nay, minutely – basis. But that look never really left me and I think that's why the gesture has caused me such consternation for so long.
edited on 07-16-2006 to fix repeating of 1st paragraph
