A seven-year-old pit-bull with all its front teeth missing was taken into custody this weekend for attempting to urinate on a 99-cent plastic American flag. Covered under the Patriot Act’s “Other Acts that Make Americans Queasy” section, the arrest signals the weakening tolerance of free speech in the country.

Betty Bulwap of Collingswood, NJ called the FBI when she noticed the dog, being lead by its owner on a bright red Commie leash, on her front lawn. The dog was sniffing around one of the seven American flags that show her support for America.

Says Mrs. Bulwap, “The dog peed right by the flag. I couldn’t believe it. And its owner said ‘Good dog!’ Then the dog started circling my other sign—the one that says ‘These colors do not run’. I yelled out my window. I knew what that dog was thinking.”

The behavior doesn’t surprise Milton Antwirp, Webmaster of a website called CatsLoveAmerica.com.
“Cats are the most patriotic pets,” Antwirp defends, while his cat bats around a red, white, and blue toy mouse. “Dogs are loyal but dumb, like victims of domestic abuse, or fans of ER. Dogs in the Soviet Union would turn in their masters for anti-Soviet behavior. They are naturally fascist animals. I mean, a German Shepard? You’d never see a German Tabby!”

When asked if goldfish were patriotic or not, Antwirp replied: “Any animal that attempts to eat its own feces is not proud of its country.”

As for Mrs. Bulwap, none of this is comforting news. “The whole neighborhood is filled with dogs and people who own dogs. It’s getting so every time I look out my window I see dogs peeing. Everywhere! And their owners are calling them good dogs. I may need to move. I mean, if their dogs are unpatriotic then what does that say about the owners? They must hate America! We’re heading for the decline of civilization when people start letting their dogs pee on the flag.”

When reminded that she owned two dogs herself, Burlap looked surprised and then muttered how dogs as small as hers are basically cats.