How's this for a teaser?
Tomorrow afternoon I will have a life-altering announcement. It will be my life that is altered, so feel free to take some tasteless guesses as to what it will be! I'll reward the best answer with the laughter of a thousand ancestors! or something like that gibberish!

UPDATE:
I am withdrawing from Temple's PhD program. I have decided that if I am going to write unintelligible gibberish that very few people read, and even fewer enjoy reading, I might as well enjoy the writing I'm doing. So, I'm applying to MFA programs that are 'low-residency' -- which essentially means I won't have to go to a campus, but will be able to do my school work from here in lovely collingswood New Jersey. The only crimp in my flawless plan is that I am faced with a dilemma -- if I withdraw from Temple without handing in my final papers, I will fail my three classes. However, the whole reason I came to this decision stems from the fact that I have been trying to write said papers for over 3 weeks and have come up with nothing and everytime i try to read my research materials, a high-pitched whining noise starts in my brain and causes me to trash my house like I'm the Incredible Hulk (graduate school style). Ethically, I'd be required to send my transcript from Temple to any MFA programs I'm applying to. But I have less than zero interest in writing these papers. Looks like I'm getting zeros.......

Thanks for the tasteless guesses. I was leaning towards Mike's answer about my becoming a plant, but then Buddy came in at the eleventh hour with his suggestion that my Thetan reading would come in. It's a toss-up! But I think Buddy edges out Mike with his topical humor.