'Where is your non-fiction section?
'What do you mean?
'The non-fiction. I don’t want a novel.
'Well [looking around] about 70% of the store is non-fiction.
'Really, can you show me?
'Well. I mean there’s the cooking section.
'No. Not that. No. no.
'And the computer books. And parenting.
'No. Non-fiction.
'Right.
'Yeah, get it? Non-fiction.
'You need to be more specific.
'I want a book about stuff that really happened.
'Oh. Like, true crime?
'Is that historical?
'Well, it happened in the past. Of course, everything is historical eventually. Most of the stuff in that section is pretty recent, though. It’ll eventually end up in the history section in one form or another.
'Can you show me the history section?
'For true crime?
'No. History. I need a book on George Washington Carver.
'Oh. That’s in African American Studies.
'Where’s that?
'Over by African American Literature.
'Is it non-fiction?
'The literature? No.
'No. the books on George Washington Carver.
'We don’t actually have any books on him. We’re out of them.

***
'How do you order your books?
'Well, we can order books, but there are actually buyers who determine what books we normally carry. Is there something you need –
'No, I mean, organize them. How are they arranged? I saw this book on TV and I can’t remember the title. It was blue, though. Is it up on one of these tables here?
'We have a lot of different books up there. Do you know what it was about?
'No. It’s blue with writing on the cover. There’s no picture. I think it was a diet book. Or health? It was really interesting.
'Well, without more information I can’t really narrow it down.
'How do you organize the books here?
'Alphabetical by author’s last name.
'That’s silly.
* * *
'I need some help in the music section.
'I can help you.
'Well, I saw a commercial last night for a bank, a credit card from a bank, I think it was Bank of America or Chase bank and they had all these shots of a little girl in a dress picking flowers, then she’s playing soccer, then she’s in her prom dress, and then she’s getting married and the whole time the father is there watching her and it’s a very pretty song, do you know what song it is?
'I’ve never seen that commercial.
'You’ve never seen it? Really? Well, it’s on all the time.
'I don’t watch much TV.
'Oh I don’t believe that. Nothing at all? You don’t watch anything? You still would have seen this commercial. It’s on all the time.
'I’m sorry, I don’t think I can help you.
'They kept singing ‘time for you’ or ‘this time is for you’ or something like that. Can you look that up?
'Our system isn’t really designed that way.
'Can’t you look on the internet?
'We don’t have an internet connection in the store.
'Oh, gee-whiz! How am I gonna find out this song? It’s for Chase bankcard or something. I tried calling up the company and they didn’t know either, but you’d think that the employees would know the commercial for their own company. I think the operator – she was a little ditzy, you know?
'Uh-huh.
'Can you do me a favor –
'You can try to look it up on their website.
'Oh, I don’t have a computer! I’m fifty-two years old. Come on.
'You can go to the library. They have free internet access.
'I tried that once, but the computers are too hard to use. Can you do me a favor. What’s your name?
'Mike. [I really did give the woman this name. This was LONG after you were gone, though, Mike. I figured there were a bunch of Mike's there at the time and the woman was crazy, so why not share the crazy?]
'Mike, can you watch TV tonight and look for the commercial for me? You’ll know the song as soon as you hear it.
'I’m not going to be home tonight. Unfortunately.
'Well, any night this week. You can do this for me, can’t you?
'I work at night.
'You’re not working now and it’s only four o'clock.
'I work until we close.
'Well, you close at eight or something, right?
'No. We close at eleven, actually.
'Oh, well can you. Maybe you can watch some TV while you’re there?
'Ma'am – if you can tell me who sang the song I can help you. But I can’t really –
'I’m being a pain in the butt, right? You’ll see the commercial, though, and say ‘That’s what that pain-in-the-butt lady was talking about.’ I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me back, okay? Can you do that for me?
'Sure.
'Okay. Ready?
'Sure.
'It’s 555-1776.
[writing the number down]: 'Got it.
'Okay? Thank you Mike.
'No problem.

* * *
'Can you recommend anything for a fourteen year old girl that’s been on the bestseller list for less than fifty weeks?
'No.

* * *
[picking up the phone]: 'Security.
'I need to know if you have a book.
'The store isn’t open yet.
'Well, can you just look it up?
'This is the security guard. The store opens in an hour.
'Well, can’t you just look it up for me so I don’t have to drive all the way down there?
'Call back in an hour.
* * *
'Do you know where the animal shelter is?
'I’m not sure. Which one?
'The Rothman animal shelter? It’s on Havershire road?
'That doesn’t ring a bell, but I’m not really from around here.
'Great.
'I can let you call them if you have their number.
'I called them already and their directions – they’re not any good. It’s right on havershire, but I drove up and down it and didn’t see it.
[thinking about the other employees within earshot] Sean definitely doesn’t. He’s not from the area either. Lisa might –
'Is there anyone who IS from around here?
'Lisa, do you know where the animal shelter is on Havershire?
'No.
'Why doesn’t anyone here live in the area?
'Well, this is a well-to-do area and this is not a well-paying job –
'Look – I have a woman with a pacemaker in my car and a wounded raccoon that I need to get to the shelter. Okay? So can you help me or not?
'I can let you use the phone.
'They never answer and the directions on the answering machine are how to take care of an animal and it never beeps I just sit there and it takes forever.
'They probably have you on hold.
'They don’t answer.
[random woman who overheard the conversation]: 'Excuse me, I think I know where you’re going. Did you get to the fork on Haveshire?
'The fork?
'Where it splits into two roads?
'The fork? It splits? I didn’t see that.
'You have to keep going. It splits. If you bear right the shelter is ten minutes down the right side.
'I was on that road for an hour and I didn’t see a split.
'It’s there. Why don’t you call them. I’m sure they’ll let you use the phone here. [looking at me]
[completely forgetting that I already offered our phone]: 'They will?
[me]: 'Yes. You can use the phone.
'Oh, I’ll call then. [dialing] Hello? I have a raccoon in my car that I found today and it’s hurt and I can’t find you. Where are you? What? What do you mean you don’t take raccoons? Ah shit!

* * *
'Do you have a copy of The Woman’s Guide to Healthy Anal Sex?
* * *