Main

December 18, 2006

Sad day for Moose and Squirrel

Chris Hayward, 'Bullwinkle' writer
By Valerie J. Nelson
Los Angeles Times

LOS ANGELES - Chris Hayward, 81, a television writer who developed the klutzy cartoon character Dudley Do-Right and helped imbue the rest of the Rocky and Bullwinkle gang with the same sense of silliness and satire, has died.

Mr. Hayward, an Emmy winner who also helped create The Munsters for television, died of cancer Nov. 20 at his Beverly Hills home, said his wife, Linda.

Bullwinkle and his zany friends came out of the Sunset Boulevard studios of Jay Ward, who warned against underestimating television viewers and encouraged his writers to "take potshots at everything," Hayward once said.

"His philosophy was 'just write sharp stuff for yourself and the audience will get it.' It was very freeing," said Allan Burns, a Bullwinkle writer who became Mr. Hayward's writing partner.

There was no such thing as a bad pun on Rocky and His Friends, which debuted on ABC in 1959 and was renamed The Bullwinkle Show when it moved to NBC in 1961.

"The worse the better," Mr. Hayward said in a 1988 interview.

The first episode Mr. Hayward cowrote for the flying squirrel and his sidekick with the dimwitted voice was titled "Rue Britannia," according to The Moose That Roared (2000), a history of the show. When the plot required Bullwinkle to survive a week in the Abominable Manor in England, he said: "Shucks, I've been livin' in an abominable manner all my life!"

The writers' revelry in wordplay extended to other segments that filled out the half-hour show.

For the Ward studio, Mr. Hayward thought up and cowrote Fractured Flickers, a silent-film spoof that debuted in 1963. The 26 half-hour episodes scrambled silent films into new tales by reediting footage and adding dialogue. The Hunchback of Notre Dame became the story of a sappy cheerleader named Dinky Dunstan, while Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde turned into a tale about soda pop.

After leaving the studio, Burns and Mr. Hayward wanted to do a show, Burns said, "about a family that was just plain weird," in reaction to the wholesome families that populated television at the time.

By the time The Munsters debuted on CBS in 1964, the idea had been twisted to showcase an everyday family of friendly, unassuming monsters.

The Writers Guild of America intervened and the pair received monetary compensation and credit for helping to develop The Munsters, Burns said.

For their work on the CBS sitcom He & She, they received an Emmy in 1968. After writing for Get Smart (1965-70), the team split up. Burns went on to help create The Mary Tyler Moore Show in 1970.

Mr. Hayward turned to Barney Miller, an ABC series that satirized life in a police precinct house and starred Hal Linden.

Born in Bayonne, N.J., Christopher Robert Hayward moved to Los Angeles when he was 17.

In addition to his wife Linda, Hayward is survived by his children, Laurel, Victoria and Tony, from a previous marriage.

December 7, 2006

But mom, he smells like pee and bourbon...

Here's a great gallery of Scary Santas and the children they terrify...

funny girl

Saw this link on another blog (that of Frank Wilson, the Inquirer's book editor, in fact) and it got me to thinking. I've long held the theory that pretty girls don't develop much of a personality because, frankly, they don't need to. It's the girls like me, who spent most of puberty and adolescence hidden behind scrawy, underdeveloped bodies, thick eyeglasses or books who developed personalities because being good company to oneself was the only way to survive. That and the only way to get boys to even be seen with us was to find common ground with them.
Since none of the pretty, popular girls had a need to be into good music, sports, comic books, D&D or any other boys' domains, we could, armed with those interests, slip right in as friends. Boys are much less judgemental about looks when it comes to their friends than girls are. How many cute boys had geeky friends, versus how many pretty, popular girls had ugly friends? The boys I knew as a kid were far more accepting of me and my thick glasses, tomboy ways and voracious love of books, cartoons and Bruce Springsteen than any girls I knew.
The funny comes in because in order to hang with the boys, I had to be funny. That is the one thing most guys DO value most in their friendships. How many friends, guys, do you have that you DON'T consider funny in some way? Probably not many. Ask most women the same question, and you'll get a very different answer.
So I take exception with Hitchens' theory that women aren't funny unless they're hefty, dikey or Jewish, since I am none of the three and never have been, and I think I'm pretty damn funny. And most women think bearing children is funny as hell; just ask any of my mommy friends who've told me hair-raising yet hilarious stories of episiotemies, crapping during childbirth and post-birth sex.
Tell me what you think. Laura and Vicki, I'm interested to hear your theories on women and whether or not we're funny. Were you geeky girls like me who gravitated toward boys as friends? Or did you have girls as friends growing up, and if so, what were they like?

November 26, 2006

Cut and run

OK, in posting this, I do so with two caveats: 1, I hate Michael Moore--though I agree with him on a lot of things--simply because I think he's a terrible representative of the left. Sometimes he gets his point across well, sometimes he uses great satire to do so, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the desire to comb his hair, burn his inevitable baseball cap, smack him around and scream, "YOU'RE NOT HELPING, FATTY!" I guess I just believe that if one is trying to convince people of one's point of view, one should present oneself in a way that inspires people to think, "I should at least listen to what this guy has to say," rather than, "Who IS this slob?" But I think that instead, Moore ends up simply preaching to the converted far too often because no one else will take him seriously.

The second caveat is that I personally have no idea what to do about Iraq. I am certain of only one thing: We should never have gone in there in the first place. In some ways, I almost agree with John McCain that now that we're there, we should use the full might of the US military--as well as its full resources--to clean up the mess we've made and at the very least stabilize the country we ruined. (Can we? Perhaps not.) I worry that by leaving, we'll leave behind a decimated infrastructure (for which we're responsible) and a nation without the ability to right itself and the Iraqis who hate us so much now will hate us even more for abandoning them in rubble we created.

Still, it's hard to deny (though the Bush Administration keeps doing so) that we are not welcome and in fact are hated by the Iraqis (and it's hard to blame them). I obviously have never been to war and have no right to expect someone else to fight one (though that didn't seem to phase W, Dick, Rummy, Wolfowitz or any of the other neo-con nincompoops). And again, there's that whole we-should-never-have-gone-in-there-in-the-first-place argument.

So Moore's letter gives me food for thought. Maybe it will do the same for you. Or maybe you'll just want to rip the baseball cap off his head and yell at him to comb his hair and get a suit that fits. I'm interested to hear what everyone else thinks about this.

Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do

Sunday, November 26th, 2006

Friends,

Tomorrow marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.

That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.

And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole. No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride. And that doesn't even include a friggin' helmet.

Is this utter failure the fault of our troops? Hardly. That's because no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of a gun is ever going to "win" the war in Iraq. It is a lost war, lost because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by men who have never been to war, men who hide behind others sent to fight and die.

Let's listen to what the Iraqi people are saying, according to a recent poll conducted by the University of Maryland:

** 71% of all Iraqis now want the U.S. out of Iraq.

** 61% of all Iraqis SUPPORT insurgent attacks on U.S. troops.

Yes, the vast majority of Iraqi citizens believe that our soldiers should be killed and maimed! So what the hell are we still doing there? Talk about not getting the hint.

There are many ways to liberate a country. Usually the residents of that country rise up and liberate themselves. That's how we did it. You can also do it through nonviolent, mass civil disobedience. That's how India did it. You can get the world to boycott a regime until they are so
ostracized they capitulate. That's how South Africa did it. Or you can just wait them out and, sooner or later, the king's legions simply leave (sometimes just because they're too cold). That's how Canada did it.

The one way that DOESN'T work is to invade a country and tell the people, "We are here to liberate you!" -- when they have done NOTHING to liberate themselves. Where were all the suicide bombers when Saddam was oppressing them? Where were the insurgents planting bombs along the roadside as the evildoer Saddam's convoy passed them by? I guess ol'
Saddam was a cruel despot -- but not cruel enough for thousands to risk their necks. "Oh no, Mike, they couldn't do that! Saddam would have had them killed!" Really? You don't think King George had any of the colonial insurgents killed? You don't think Patrick Henry or Tom Paine
were afraid? That didn't stop them. When tens of thousands aren't willing to shed their own blood to remove a dictator, that should be the first clue that they aren't going to be willing participants when you decide you're going to do the liberating for them.

A country can HELP another people overthrow a tyrant (that's what the French did for us in our revolution), but after you help them, you leave. Immediately. The French didn't stay and tell us how to set up our government. They didn't say, "we're not leaving because we want your
natural resources." They left us to our own devices and it took us six years before we had an election. And then we had a bloody civil war.

That's what happens, and history is full of these examples. The French didn't say, "Oh, we better stay in America, otherwise they're going to kill each other over that slavery issue!"

The only way a war of liberation has a chance of succeeding is if the oppressed people being liberated have their own citizens behind them -- and a group of Washingtons, Jeffersons, Franklins, Ghandis and Mandellas leading them. Where are these beacons of liberty in Iraq? This is a joke and it's been a joke since the beginning. Yes, the joke's been on us, but with 655,000 Iraqis now dead as a result of our invasion (source: Johns Hopkins University, I guess the cruel joke is on them. At least they've been liberated, permanently.

So I don't want to hear another word about sending more troops (wake up, America, John McCain is bonkers), or "redeploying" them, or waiting four months to begin the "phase-out." There is only one solution and it is this: Leave. Now. Start tonight. Get out of there as fast as we can. As much as people of good heart and conscience don't want to believe this, as much as it kills us to accept defeat, there is nothing we can do to undo the damage we have done. What's happened has happened. If you were to drive drunk down the road and you killed a child, there would be nothing you could do to bring that child back to life. If you invade and destroy a country, plunging it into a civil war, there isn't much you can do 'til the smoke settles and blood is mopped up. Then maybe you can atone for the atrocity you have committed and help the living come back to a better life.

The Soviet Union got out of Afghanistan in 36 weeks. They did so and suffered hardly any losses as they left. They realized the mistake they had made and removed their troops. A civil war ensued. The bad guys won. Later, we overthrew the bad guys and everybody lived happily ever after. See! It all works out in the end!

The responsibility to end this war now falls upon the Democrats. Congress controls the purse strings and the Constitution says only Congress can declare war. Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi now hold the power to put an end to this madness. Failure to do so will bring the wrath of the voters. We aren't kidding around, Democrats, and if you don't believe us, just go ahead and continue this war another month. We will fight you harder than we did the Republicans. The opening page of my website has a photo of Nancy Pelosi and Harry
Reid, each made up by a collage of photos of the American soldiers who have died in Bush's War. But it is now about to become the Bush/Democratic Party War unless swift action is taken.

This is what we demand:

1. Bring the troops home now. Not six months from now. NOW. Quit looking for a way to win. We can't win. We've lost. Sometimes you lose. This is one of those times. Be brave and admit it.

2. Apologize to our soldiers and make amends. Tell them we are sorry they were used to fight a war that had NOTHING to do with our national security. We must commit to taking care of them so that they suffer as little as possible. The mentally and physically maimed must get the best
care and significant financial compensation. The families of the deceased deserve the biggest apology and they must be taken care of for the rest of their lives.

3. We must atone for the atrocity we have perpetuated on the people of Iraq. There are few evils worse than waging a war based on a lie, invading another country because you want what they have buried under the ground. Now many more will die. Their blood is on our hands, regardless for whom we voted. If you pay taxes, you have contributed to the three billion dollars a week now being spent to drive Iraq into the hellhole it's become. When the civil war is over, we will have to help rebuild Iraq. We can receive no redemption until we have atoned.

In closing, there is one final thing I know. We Americans are better than what has been done in our name. A majority of us were upset and angry after 9/11 and we lost our minds. We didn't think straight and we never looked at a map. Because we are kept stupid through our pathetic
education system and our lazy media, we knew nothing of history. We didn't know that WE were the ones funding and arming Saddam for many years, including those when he massacred the Kurds. He was our guy. We didn't know what a Sunni or a Shiite was, never even heard the words. Eighty percent of our young adults (according to National Geographic) were not able to find Iraq on the map. Our leaders played off our stupidity, manipulated us with lies, and scared us to death.

But at our core we are a good people. We may be slow learners, but that "Mission Accomplished" banner struck us as odd, and soon we began to ask some questions. Then we began to get smart. By this past November 7th, we got mad and tried to right our wrongs. The majority now know the truth. The majority now feel a deep sadness and guilt and a hope that
somehow we can make make it all right again.

Unfortunately, we can't. So we will accept the consequences of our actions and do our best to be there should the Iraqi people ever dare to seek our help in the future. We ask for their forgiveness.

We demand the Democrats listen to us and get out of Iraq now.

Yours,

Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com
mmflint@aol.com


October 27, 2006

I know why the caged bird sings. For AIG.

I just saw a commercial for an insurance company with Maya Angelou reading a poem she'd written. I don't think I need to say anything else.

Yes I do. I realize poetry don't pay the bills--or even buy a cup of coffee in most parts of this country--but I gotta think Maya Fucking Angelou is making rent. Reading at a president's inauguration is bad enough (Robert Frost did it, too, at JFK's, and he's one of my favorites). But that can be interpreted as an expression of optimism and hope, as opposed to one of political partisanship or pandering as it is to cynics like me.

Poetry as corporate shilling has to be a new low. What's next? Bob Dylan singing for Victoria's Secret? Oh, wait...

October 25, 2006

brevity is the soul of wit.

I saw on another blog that Wired magazine enlisted 38 writers and designers to write short-short-short stories...like in six words. A friend had me pulling my hair out a few years ago with this exercise, since, as you all are very aware, I can go on and on and on. Still, it's kinda cool, and helps me hone my skills as a headline writer.

Hemingway's briefest is a famous one: For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Another good one, by William Shatner of all people: Failed SAT. Lost scholarship. Invented rocket.
Margaret Atwood's contribution: Starlet sex scandal. Giant squid involved.

Here are a few I came up with, some good, some, well, not so much:
I loved him. Now I don't.
Cat's gone. Should've shut the window.
Writer's block. Brain hurts. Need drink.
Fame? Prestige? Wealth? Nope: Newspaper career.

I know you guys are way funnier (and more imaginative) than me. So HAVE AT IT!

October 15, 2006

Trust in God. Lock the car.

I left the Rite-Aid today, and as I was about to get into my car, another car pulled up beside it with handicap tags, and an oldish nun got out the passenger side, keeping me from getting into my car. I waited for her, she smiled and thanked me, apologizing for being so slow, as the nun who was driving got out her side and waited.

Once the older nun was out, I got into my car and the two walked away. Before I shut my door, I saw the driver turn, point to the car, and I heard the familiar "chirp-chirp."

Why would nuns have car alarms?

This brings up serious questions for me, an admittedly severely lapsed Catholic who was, after all, at the Rite Aid to buy birth control pills to keep me from getting preggers by my live-in boyfriend. (There are at least three things in that sentence which should offend these nuns.)

What happened to trusting God? What about trusting one's fellow man? We're talking about a Rite-Aid in Haddon Township, for Christ's sake, not a drug corner in North Philly.

What do women who have taken a vow of poverty have to protect, anyway? How about compassion? If someone steals, isn't there at least the chance they're moved to do so out of desperation?

Were they afraid the car might be stolen? It was a four-door, late-90s Oldsmobile. I don't think the skate punks of Cuthbert Boulevard are too interested in joyriding in it.

I guess I probably could have lingered and asked them all these questions. They seemed like friendly enough nuns, though I believe they taught at Paul VI, which is nearby, and they had the same habits (garb) as PVI's nuns.

But, I have to admit...after 12 years of Catholic education, nuns still scare me.

October 12, 2006

Special place in hell

I'm pretty skeptical about the afterlife, but I have to believe this guy gets his own little ring in hell. Maybe Brett Myers can join him there.

(from the Associated Press)

Date: 10/12/2006 04:52 PM

Youth coach sentenced to prison in autistic player's beaning

UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) _ A youth baseball coach accused of offering an 8-year-old money to bean an autistic teammate so he couldn't play was sentenced Thursday to one to six years in prison.

Fayette County Judge Ralph Warman sentenced 29-year-old Mark R. Downs Jr. of Dunbar, Pa. to consecutive six-to-36-month sentences for corruption of minors and criminal solicitation to commit simple assault. A jury convicted Downs in September.

Warman revoked Downs' bond and sent him to prison.

Downs didn't speak at the sentencing but told reporters ''I didn't do nothing'' as he was led out of the courtroom. (sounds like a real Rhodes scholar, eh?)

His attorney, Thomas Shaffer, said Downs was upset and looked forward to appealing the verdict. Downs was ordered Thursday to undergo a mental health evaluation and barred from coaching any youth league sport while on parole.

Authorities said Downs offered to pay one of his players $25 to hit Harry Bowers, a mildly autistic teammate, with a ball while warming up before a June 2005 playoff game. Prosecutors said Downs wanted the 9-year-old out of the game, because the boy didn't play as well as his teammates.

Player Keith Reese Jr. said he purposely threw a ball that hit Bowers in the groin and another that hit Bowers in the ear, on Downs' instructions. Downs denied offering to pay Reese to hurt Bowers.

''These acts are extremely outrageous and extremely reprehensible since the defendant was involved in the coaching of a youth league,'' Warman said.

Bowers' mother, Jennifer Bowers, said Thursday that since her son was hit, she has struggled to get him to try new activities. She said the boy fears that he would get hurt again.

Downs was acquitted on a more serious charge of criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault. Jurors deadlocked on a charge of reckless endangerment. The judge declared a mistrial on the endangerment charge, and prosecutors said they wouldn't retry him.

Copyright 2006 The Associated Press.