November 2006 Archives

By the way, if you can name the song I'm quoting, you get a bin of Kraft's 'avacado flavored' guacamole.

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How's this for a teaser?
Tomorrow afternoon I will have a life-altering announcement. It will be my life that is altered, so feel free to take some tasteless guesses as to what it will be! I'll reward the best answer with the laughter of a thousand ancestors! or something like that gibberish!

I am withdrawing from Temple's PhD program. I have decided that if I am going to write unintelligible gibberish that very few people read, and even fewer enjoy reading, I might as well enjoy the writing I'm doing. So, I'm applying to MFA programs that are 'low-residency' -- which essentially means I won't have to go to a campus, but will be able to do my school work from here in lovely collingswood New Jersey. The only crimp in my flawless plan is that I am faced with a dilemma -- if I withdraw from Temple without handing in my final papers, I will fail my three classes. However, the whole reason I came to this decision stems from the fact that I have been trying to write said papers for over 3 weeks and have come up with nothing and everytime i try to read my research materials, a high-pitched whining noise starts in my brain and causes me to trash my house like I'm the Incredible Hulk (graduate school style). Ethically, I'd be required to send my transcript from Temple to any MFA programs I'm applying to. But I have less than zero interest in writing these papers. Looks like I'm getting zeros.......

Thanks for the tasteless guesses. I was leaning towards Mike's answer about my becoming a plant, but then Buddy came in at the eleventh hour with his suggestion that my Thetan reading would come in. It's a toss-up! But I think Buddy edges out Mike with his topical humor.

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I applaud captive animals who assault their oppressors. There are too many animals forced to perform for slackjawed yokels who think animals are machines. i don't care how much pampering they get.

i think this goes back to the first zoo i went to. One of the only things I remember is seeing a penguin with green diarrhea. The poor thing just kept going and going..... scarred me forever.

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I have never gone to a website simply to look at a company's ads. until the Apple ads with PC/Mac represented by strikingly accurate actors. Am I just a Mac flunkie, or are these ads actually amusing?

One of the latest has PC grumble "I have to go listen to some emo...." I laughed for about 5 seconds, which is more than any other commercial could accomplish.

are these guys already more iconic than spuds mackenzie? where's-the-beef? the cola wars?


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OK, in posting this, I do so with two caveats: 1, I hate Michael Moore--though I agree with him on a lot of things--simply because I think he's a terrible representative of the left. Sometimes he gets his point across well, sometimes he uses great satire to do so, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the desire to comb his hair, burn his inevitable baseball cap, smack him around and scream, "YOU'RE NOT HELPING, FATTY!" I guess I just believe that if one is trying to convince people of one's point of view, one should present oneself in a way that inspires people to think, "I should at least listen to what this guy has to say," rather than, "Who IS this slob?" But I think that instead, Moore ends up simply preaching to the converted far too often because no one else will take him seriously.

The second caveat is that I personally have no idea what to do about Iraq. I am certain of only one thing: We should never have gone in there in the first place. In some ways, I almost agree with John McCain that now that we're there, we should use the full might of the US military--as well as its full resources--to clean up the mess we've made and at the very least stabilize the country we ruined. (Can we? Perhaps not.) I worry that by leaving, we'll leave behind a decimated infrastructure (for which we're responsible) and a nation without the ability to right itself and the Iraqis who hate us so much now will hate us even more for abandoning them in rubble we created.

Still, it's hard to deny (though the Bush Administration keeps doing so) that we are not welcome and in fact are hated by the Iraqis (and it's hard to blame them). I obviously have never been to war and have no right to expect someone else to fight one (though that didn't seem to phase W, Dick, Rummy, Wolfowitz or any of the other neo-con nincompoops). And again, there's that whole we-should-never-have-gone-in-there-in-the-first-place argument.

So Moore's letter gives me food for thought. Maybe it will do the same for you. Or maybe you'll just want to rip the baseball cap off his head and yell at him to comb his hair and get a suit that fits. I'm interested to hear what everyone else thinks about this.

Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do

Sunday, November 26th, 2006


Tomorrow marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.

That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.

And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole. No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride. And that doesn't even include a friggin' helmet.

Is this utter failure the fault of our troops? Hardly. That's because no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of a gun is ever going to "win" the war in Iraq. It is a lost war, lost because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by men who have never been to war, men who hide behind others sent to fight and die.

Let's listen to what the Iraqi people are saying, according to a recent poll conducted by the University of Maryland:

** 71% of all Iraqis now want the U.S. out of Iraq.

** 61% of all Iraqis SUPPORT insurgent attacks on U.S. troops.

Yes, the vast majority of Iraqi citizens believe that our soldiers should be killed and maimed! So what the hell are we still doing there? Talk about not getting the hint.

There are many ways to liberate a country. Usually the residents of that country rise up and liberate themselves. That's how we did it. You can also do it through nonviolent, mass civil disobedience. That's how India did it. You can get the world to boycott a regime until they are so
ostracized they capitulate. That's how South Africa did it. Or you can just wait them out and, sooner or later, the king's legions simply leave (sometimes just because they're too cold). That's how Canada did it.

The one way that DOESN'T work is to invade a country and tell the people, "We are here to liberate you!" -- when they have done NOTHING to liberate themselves. Where were all the suicide bombers when Saddam was oppressing them? Where were the insurgents planting bombs along the roadside as the evildoer Saddam's convoy passed them by? I guess ol'
Saddam was a cruel despot -- but not cruel enough for thousands to risk their necks. "Oh no, Mike, they couldn't do that! Saddam would have had them killed!" Really? You don't think King George had any of the colonial insurgents killed? You don't think Patrick Henry or Tom Paine
were afraid? That didn't stop them. When tens of thousands aren't willing to shed their own blood to remove a dictator, that should be the first clue that they aren't going to be willing participants when you decide you're going to do the liberating for them.

A country can HELP another people overthrow a tyrant (that's what the French did for us in our revolution), but after you help them, you leave. Immediately. The French didn't stay and tell us how to set up our government. They didn't say, "we're not leaving because we want your
natural resources." They left us to our own devices and it took us six years before we had an election. And then we had a bloody civil war.

That's what happens, and history is full of these examples. The French didn't say, "Oh, we better stay in America, otherwise they're going to kill each other over that slavery issue!"

The only way a war of liberation has a chance of succeeding is if the oppressed people being liberated have their own citizens behind them -- and a group of Washingtons, Jeffersons, Franklins, Ghandis and Mandellas leading them. Where are these beacons of liberty in Iraq? This is a joke and it's been a joke since the beginning. Yes, the joke's been on us, but with 655,000 Iraqis now dead as a result of our invasion (source: Johns Hopkins University, I guess the cruel joke is on them. At least they've been liberated, permanently.

So I don't want to hear another word about sending more troops (wake up, America, John McCain is bonkers), or "redeploying" them, or waiting four months to begin the "phase-out." There is only one solution and it is this: Leave. Now. Start tonight. Get out of there as fast as we can. As much as people of good heart and conscience don't want to believe this, as much as it kills us to accept defeat, there is nothing we can do to undo the damage we have done. What's happened has happened. If you were to drive drunk down the road and you killed a child, there would be nothing you could do to bring that child back to life. If you invade and destroy a country, plunging it into a civil war, there isn't much you can do 'til the smoke settles and blood is mopped up. Then maybe you can atone for the atrocity you have committed and help the living come back to a better life.

The Soviet Union got out of Afghanistan in 36 weeks. They did so and suffered hardly any losses as they left. They realized the mistake they had made and removed their troops. A civil war ensued. The bad guys won. Later, we overthrew the bad guys and everybody lived happily ever after. See! It all works out in the end!

The responsibility to end this war now falls upon the Democrats. Congress controls the purse strings and the Constitution says only Congress can declare war. Mr. Reid and Ms. Pelosi now hold the power to put an end to this madness. Failure to do so will bring the wrath of the voters. We aren't kidding around, Democrats, and if you don't believe us, just go ahead and continue this war another month. We will fight you harder than we did the Republicans. The opening page of my website has a photo of Nancy Pelosi and Harry
Reid, each made up by a collage of photos of the American soldiers who have died in Bush's War. But it is now about to become the Bush/Democratic Party War unless swift action is taken.

This is what we demand:

1. Bring the troops home now. Not six months from now. NOW. Quit looking for a way to win. We can't win. We've lost. Sometimes you lose. This is one of those times. Be brave and admit it.

2. Apologize to our soldiers and make amends. Tell them we are sorry they were used to fight a war that had NOTHING to do with our national security. We must commit to taking care of them so that they suffer as little as possible. The mentally and physically maimed must get the best
care and significant financial compensation. The families of the deceased deserve the biggest apology and they must be taken care of for the rest of their lives.

3. We must atone for the atrocity we have perpetuated on the people of Iraq. There are few evils worse than waging a war based on a lie, invading another country because you want what they have buried under the ground. Now many more will die. Their blood is on our hands, regardless for whom we voted. If you pay taxes, you have contributed to the three billion dollars a week now being spent to drive Iraq into the hellhole it's become. When the civil war is over, we will have to help rebuild Iraq. We can receive no redemption until we have atoned.

In closing, there is one final thing I know. We Americans are better than what has been done in our name. A majority of us were upset and angry after 9/11 and we lost our minds. We didn't think straight and we never looked at a map. Because we are kept stupid through our pathetic
education system and our lazy media, we knew nothing of history. We didn't know that WE were the ones funding and arming Saddam for many years, including those when he massacred the Kurds. He was our guy. We didn't know what a Sunni or a Shiite was, never even heard the words. Eighty percent of our young adults (according to National Geographic) were not able to find Iraq on the map. Our leaders played off our stupidity, manipulated us with lies, and scared us to death.

But at our core we are a good people. We may be slow learners, but that "Mission Accomplished" banner struck us as odd, and soon we began to ask some questions. Then we began to get smart. By this past November 7th, we got mad and tried to right our wrongs. The majority now know the truth. The majority now feel a deep sadness and guilt and a hope that
somehow we can make make it all right again.

Unfortunately, we can't. So we will accept the consequences of our actions and do our best to be there should the Iraqi people ever dare to seek our help in the future. We ask for their forgiveness.

We demand the Democrats listen to us and get out of Iraq now.


Michael Moore

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Let's Go to Prison has made me think about my least favorite films. I'd like to hear all of yours as well! This isn't about what makes a film 'good' or 'artistic.' It's just about hate. These are movies that if someone says they like it, i have to leave the room else I get in a heated debate where I use the words "monkey-piss" "shitfuck" and "flubber"!

Let the hate begin!!!!

edit: Mike reminded me of Waking Life. Damn you mike! But that is one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

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Laura and I managed to get to the movies a few times in the past two weeks. Last weekend we saw one terrible, horrible film that was almost like an involuntary enema. And then we saw a movie with Will Farrell.

Now, some of you may have expected the punchline to be that Will Farrell's film was like an enema, but you would have been wrong. Of course, the wife and I happen to enjoy Farrell in the various roles of stupidity we have seen him in, but we knew this one was slightly different. More on that in a second.

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So, is Hugh Jackman in every movie out this year? Apparently so, but so far the worst movie he's made is X-men 3, and that wasn't really his fault (I blame Jesus). After a mighty performance in the wonderful and yet box office failing The Prestige, he returns with the aforementioned film, The Fountain, by my favorite director of ass-to-ass scenes, Darren "Why Can't I Just Make a Romantic Comedy?" Aronofsky.

The Fountain is romantic, but the only laughter Laura and I heard at the Ritz theater this fine evening was of people who felt the film was silly. And perhaps pretentious. And, maybe it was pretentious, but this is a man who made a movie about Pi and then made a movie where some dude's arm gets amputated and a Wayan's brother vomits into prison mashed potatoes to a soundtrack of the Kronos Quartet playing dissonant chords. As far as I'm concerned, he has gotten pretentious before and will continue to do so. He's like a more talented Paul Thomas Anderson (don't get me wrong, I like me some PT Anderson, but in a filmmaking fight to the finish, I think Aronofsky would win. We'll see if that changes when Anderson's new film, based on Upton Sinclair's novel Oil!.)

So, what is this movie about?

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Laura and I were watching this show because there's nothing else on. And we were too lazy to put in the DVD of Brokeback Mountain. And we figured rather than watching gay cowboys, why not watch Shatner dance along with hot ladies?

We were confused as to the rules of the game, so I went online and found out that they have an open casting call for contestants. Quoth the website: "If you are fun, outgoing, charismatic and think America would love to see you win a million dollars, we are looking for you!"

So, Laura and I started to think about which of our Pop5 crew would be fun, outgoing, and charismatic enough to get on the show and yak it up with Shatner. And we decided:


Of course, Rob & Phaedra came in a close second.

As Shatner just shouted out: "Let's go-go!"

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So when you tell people you are going to San Francisco, almost everyone mentions the hills. So you know, in advance, that it's hilly. But if you're like me, this information never passes from your "General Information about San Francisco" category to your "How Does This Affect Me while I Am Actually in the City." Also, I would like to state for the record that the street maps of San Francisco are deceiving, and they should pass out topographical maps instead. Because I would see that something was only ten blocks away, and I would think, "That's not far." Little did I know that the ten blocks each would involve an ascent of 500 feet.

Huge Hill

Back of the Trolley
From the Back of a Trolley

Stairs I Actually Climbed

We were not in San Francisco for long, and I already felt like I was getting sick before I got on the plane, but I got a lot worse while I was there. But not before I managed to get some photos. I think we stayed in the most touristy part of San Francisco, and we did a lot of the most touristy things, but it was fun.



Fishing Boats

Fisherman's Wharf

Sea Lion

So San Francisco was fun and beautiful, and I would like to go back, even though it tried to kill me. I'm looking at you, Coit Tower.

Coit Tower

See my complete set on Flickr

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i haven't watch the video yet, so I have no idea what this sounds like. i'm waiting for class to start and would rather not have a video of someone yelling "Nigger!" playing.

But seriously, is Kramer crazy?

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the inspiration for this song came from music i heard in this new night club called "The Blue Oyster." the gentlemen there seemed to be enjoying themselves. i expected there to be more ladies considering it was "queen's night." i guess it was for the band "queen" because everyone was dressed like freddie mercury.

rob is so going to call me a hateful bitch.

Rob's Theme Song

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So on this Thursday, November 16, I have a burning question to ask all of my friends and acquaintances:

Team Karen or Team Pam?

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Laura and I were discussing the current season and decided to make public our ideas for who the big rapist on campus is.


The rapist is one of the feminists. She does this to punish girls for getting drunk at frat parties and to get the frat houses shut down. Most likely because she was raped at some point.

But how can a woman rape a woman you ask? Especially when there was that scene where Veronica walks in on Meg getting raped but didn't know it? one word, with a hyphen: STRAP-ON.

See, it's the only thing crazy enough to make sense for this show. It couldn't be something simple. It's not Logan. It's not Dick, the drunk blonde best-friend of Logan. It's not Veronica's dad. It can't be her professor or her dean (they already have crazy enough stories). it's totally one of the feminists.

But wait! You say that one of their friends -- 'the blonde in the middle' -- was raped too? Foolish fool! Don't you realize that that was a setup to get people onto their sides? I mean, why else would she claim that she didn't know who the Asian in the ATM photo was when, in fact, it was her boyfriend? To confuse things! Confused? Good.

Just know this: we have called it. and when that shit gets revealed, we will revel in the glory of having figured out the 3rd season just 8 episodes in.

Laura just pointed out to me that there are actually 2 arcs for this season. The rape is the first and will be resolved at the halfway point. Then the 2 arc will begin. So we don't have long to wait my fellow Veronica-ites.

That is all.

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the camerawork sucks on this one, but if you follow the links below you can see the rehearsals:
Part 1: (Airbag, Paranoid Android)

Part 2: (National Anthem)

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This time he fucked up daylight savings time!

I find this all quite fascinating!

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so. um. orgasms for peace, eh? there's SCIENTISTS behind it! so it must be true.

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Just click on the screen to Punch walls

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In the comments: Give K-Fed some job suggestions now that Britney has dumped his lame ass.

I personally like Wawa clerk and pizza delivery boy.

UPDATE: You can also make suggestions for D. Rumsfeld since he, too, is out of a job.

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So Mike and I went and voted this morning. I won't reveal who we voted for, but sufficed to say my candidates will probably win the elections, and his most definitely will not. His candidate undeniably had the better commercials, though.


Homer: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're nothing but hideous space reptiles.

Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us.

Man1: He's right, this is a two-party system.

Man2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.

Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.

[Kang and Kodos laugh out loud]
[Ross Perot smashes his "Perot 96" hat]

It was a little strange because they had the newfangled computerized voting machines that are probably preprogrammed to register my vote as Republican. It made me a little nostalgic for the levers. Two years ago... those were the days.

More Real Life Translations

My all-time favorite recipe site Epicurious has a little Thanksgiving survey up.

After Thanksgiving dinner is over, you:
a) Scrub the kitchen inside and out
b) Help clear away the table
c) Turn on the TV and watch football

I am not at all advocating gender stereotypes, but this survey screams to me:

Are you:
a) A woman
b) A guest or child
c) A man

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So I am addicted to the Food Network, and there is a commercial that I see fairly frequently there for peanut butter. It goes like this:

Two boys, both around 6, run up to their mom with the last slice of bread. They both want it for their favorite treat, a slice of crappy white bread spread with peanut butter.

The mom suggests they split it. "All right," one of them sighs, "but [insert annoyingly trendy boy's name here]'s piece can't be bigger than mine."

Mom: "Well, how about [annoyingly trendy boy's name #1] gets to cut..."

Annoyingly Trendy Boy #1: Yesss!

Mom: "...but [annoyingly trendy boy's name #2] gets to choose."

Annoyingly Trendy Boy #2: Awesome!

Boy #2 picks the bigger slice, and both eat happily.

Boy #2: My slice sure was big, wasn't it?

Boy #1 (laughing): Yeah, it was.

So here is this heartwarming scene, rendered in the misty glow of my childhood. Of course for this to work, it would have to be over something my brother and I would actually argue about, and not a slice of bread with fucking peanut butter. We'll say it's a candy bar.

Vicki: Mom, there's only one candy bar left and [Brother] won't share!

Mom: If you kids can't learn to share, then neither of you will get any of it. Cut it in half.

[Brother]: But her half can't be bigger than mine!

Mom: What did I just say? Do you want this candy or not?

Mom cuts candy bar and distributes pieces.

Vicki: Wow, my half sure is big, isn't it?

[Brother] starts to cry.

Mom: That's it.

Mom takes the pieces back and eats them herself.

Mom: Remember that next time.

Bonus Commercial ~

Voiceover: Why ask your doctor about cosmetic Botox?

Woman: Because I am a vain, vain person.

I have a feeling this might become a regular series.

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This maze is near impossible to do at the third level... took me forever to get

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Photos from the interweb. Captions by yours truly.

"If lovin' Jesus and men and meth is wrong, then I don't wanna be right."

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Special guest Evan joins us for Podcasts 7 and 8!